Internet Marketing Journal UK

But god I wish I could

Over the last couple of months a couple of clients, or their internal representatives known as account managers, have been saying things that get on my nerves. Some of these have kinda got to me. Its got the stage where I’ve been wishing I could just say this or just say that to them. In an attempt to awaken them from inaction, torpor of just crass stupidity

1. “If you dont know what you want to achieve how the f**k do you expect me to do my job? Pull some metrics out my ass! ” - This is a simple one for any marketer. Every day people who have websites employ Internet Marketing Agencies without thinking too much about what they want to achieve. They just ‘know‘ they have to do Online PR or Social Networking or Banner Advertising or SEO without engaging the brain. If you can’t tell your agency what you want to achieve how can they achieve it. And if you manage an account like this what the f**k do you want me to put into the report. Go to the client and find out what they need. I’ll help you every step of the way to get the most out your reporting and your programme but this is a partnership your input is valuable and necessary and the more you put into it the more you’re going to get out of it.
2. “No! - Look when I said no I mean’t no. Not maybe and certainly not F**KING YES!” - This should be in response to one of those “God please listen to what we’ve told you” conversation. There is no point on your limited budget going after the term “hotel”, for example, in your PPC campaign. We’ve told you you can’t afford it - OR - see when we said don’t use that huge piece of Flash, which takes an age to load and lasts for four minutes, that pushed your booking component so far under the fold that its meeting Jacques Cousteau for lunch we meant don’t do it. And now you’ve done it. You’re conversion rate is dropping! Why? Because no one knows how to buy anything as finding the form is like searching for a brain cell in your cranium.
3. “I don’t care what your designer told you - he’s an idiot who couldnt find his goatee beard or ridiculously priced ‘fashionable male’ haircut without a map, a compass (would think it was a designer watch and that they were a trend setter probably), Google maps, help from AA roadwatch and his mother to hold their imbicilic hand - making a complete website in Flash is not going to improve your website” - the rant could also be used for people who go out and put their sites in Free For All link directories, use crappy adware juiced up affiliates and more. In essence we’re trying to help you here. We’re giving you the best advice we can to stop you hurting your business. Designers dont, generally know SEO, PPC, Affiliate Marketing, Banner Advertising and nor are they likely to in the same way that I can’t design a website. Don’t listen to someone who just went onto Google Groups and believed all that they read. You employed us because we’re the ‘experts’ - please listen to us.
4. “Do you have a mirror at home? If so please look at yourself and start telling the truth. You know the biblical version of the truth not the one that kinda lives in the boot of your car and gets brought out to play with on special occasions. You’ve f**ked up. Accept responsibility.” - How hard can it be when something goes wrong to take responsibility? You sent us confirmation that our marketing plan was correct two months after we were supposed to start. You held up the campaign. You didnt do your job as well as you probably could’ve - don’t start shifting the blame as you’ll get found out. You’ll only annoy me/us and by that stage your Boss is going to know you’re a ratbag - it’s one of the joys of having an email trail - we’ll get you and you’re little dog too - and show you as the incomptent f**kwit you are.
5. “Take Your Job and shove it I ain’t working here no more” - Sometimes this would be perfect - and do it in full Jello Biafra acerbic diction. I used to work somewhere that we did this. It was an invocation of the ‘No Asshole Rule’ before it became fashionable. I don’t need your work. I’m better than this drivel you’re feeding me and please in the name of all that is holy have a think about your attitude to people. There is no excuse for not saying ‘please’ or saying ‘thank you’ there is no reason to take out any personal frustrations you may be having on me because you need something to kick and your dogs at home.

OK thats the spleen vented. Am away to practice transcendental meditation and become Zen-like and listen to the works of Eric Satie.